Well, it is nearly Christmas....
Customer: I'd like a book for a friend, about saving the world from alien invasion. I'd like the main character to be a little like Freddie Mercury and a little like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Customer: Do you still have that thing that was in your window? It was pink and fluffy.
Me: A book?
Customer: No, it was a dog toy, I think - with a lead.
Me: Yeah, I think that was probably in the vet and pet store's window, two doors down.
Customer: Do you have 'Windows 7 for Dummies'?
Me: Sorry, we're an antiquarian bookshop; nearly everything in here pre-dates computers.
Customer: Oh. Do you have user guide for antiquarian computers? You know from, like, the olden days, when they had swords and stuff?
Customer: Excuse me. Do you sell snow?
Me *thinking I've misheard*: Sorry. Snow?
Customer: Yes. SNOW.
Me: .... no. No we don't.
Customer: Do you have, like, a Christmas book about that, like, really famous baby?
a customer reading a book about the nativity.
Customer *to her friend*: Don't you ever get the feeling that Baby Jesus is somehow related to Herod? I always think that he's going to go: 'JESUS. I AM YOUR FATHER.'
Customer: Do you have a vending machine in here?
Customer: Do you think you could post this book to America for me, in time for Christmas?
Me: Yes. I'm sure we could. I'll just get the scales and I can work out postage costs for you.
Customer: You expect me to pay for the postage as well? I'm already paying for the book!
the real Mr Scrooge...
Customer: I'd like a Christmas book, about Christmas, that doesn't have anything to do with snow, or robins, or snowmen, or Jesus, or holly.
Me: ... right.
Customer: And no bloody carols, either!
Customer: Do you have any cards?
Me: We have some old postcards in a box by the door. Some of them have already been written on, though.
Customer: Oh, do you have one that says 'To Juliette, with love from Christine'? It would save me writing it out again, you see.
Child *to me*: Does Santa come to your bookshop to get gifts for kids?
Me *nodding wisely*: Yes. Yes. He absolutely does.
Child: That's awesome!
Me: Yes, it is.
Me: But what?
Child: But... Santa's really fat. I don't think he could squeeze through the gaps in the bookshelves.
Me: It's ok. He sends us a list before hand, and we leave the books by the door.
Child: That makes you Santa's elf!
Me: Yes... yes, I suppose it does.
Merry Christmas, folks. x
Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops [UK] / Weird Things Customers Say in Bookstores [US/Canada]
The Poetry of the Trading Floor
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